Why Plumbers Are the Mightiest Residential Tradespeople of Them All

Rejoice! For years you have broken your hump and bought a wonderful home where you and your family and worldly possessions and cats and dogs and hamsters and other pets of all shapes and sizes can live peacefully and with great joy and without alarm. Indeed, the universe offers rich blessings!

But there’s a season for all things: a season when your toilet gets clogged or runs non-stop into the dark, dark night trying to fucking sleep. A season for your dishwasher to go on the fritz in the morning after a truly incredible dinner where the meats and sauces and vegetables and desserts and wine flow like wine. A season when the clothes washer throws what looks like some sort of gasket and your newborn’s clothes are covered in vomit and excrement of various colors and smells and remain unclean for days. There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth and family reprimands.

Get on your knees and pray like your life depended on it, or use the phone and call the plumber.

O Plumber, the first among the craftsmen. Thou who reigns supreme atop the pantheon of residential repairmen. You are great. Great great. Homeowners can struggle for a week, maybe 10 days, without power or heating or electric light, but just try to make it through a week without a working toilet. You alone have the power over life-giving elements. All bow.

Thy Plumber’s Van appears as an old, possibly uninspected panel van in dire need of a new muffler. Yea, it is verily a chariot of wonders, wherein dwell the mystical implements of Thy magic. O wrencher of monkey and pipe, possessor of drains, magician and ruler of water, both coming and going. O Corrector of blockages and other drainage problems. O great solder of cracked copper pipes in awkward places. We praise you.

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